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May. 13th, 2009 | 03:42 pm
mood: amused amused

Its really been 18 weeeks since i posted my life used to be so much chaos has exploded yet im so very happyish at the moment midnighttalks has been helping me raise my child thing lol and school grades are fairly apprehensive i guess a little responibility has really got me in shape horrary for rainbowbloodhxc! lololol hope everyone smiles


Jan. 2nd, 2009 | 05:26 am

I had a baby boy



i hecka died
at docters hospitol

im quite happy

or now

Pain is not my favorite game

Nov. 4th, 2008 | 02:53 pm
location: home
mood: crappy crappy
music: your mom

2nd day! 2nd DAY yaay lol
Im hungry as hell but im alive lol
im pretty good though
im going to go buy a new jacket today i hope my mom dosnt go insane with jackets to big for me again
or too odd like floral printed jelly beans or something cuz i would have to wear it to school and i would get alot of floral jelly bean fans attaching me, who knows how many weird festish's exist lol.
i got a new computure screan its pretty big im quite proud of it sadly the only reason i got it was because my dad flipped out and smashed mine lol.
Although today was full of lols and nice shit
i still feel like a retarded peice of shit.
like my brain and my body arnt really compliying and its hecka pissing me off
i have these weird convultion things to wear i will convulse inside my body but on the outside i dont move and its really hard to explain.
I have been talking to myself more and more often its scaring me, like if i dont talk to rachel i have to talk to myself cuz no one fills her place,sadly i hope i wont ever be her creepy jasmine stalker it would not only creep her out but i would probably kill myself lol, well i have to go put on my crappy converse so i can go to the damn store fjlgfjfgjhjh


Nov. 3rd, 2008 | 10:52 pm
location: home
mood: frustrated frustrated
music: your mom

Through torrent raging storms havnt we been through it before?
no more waiting alive im sure one day we will be heroes and heroes we will remain, blocked in that skitso world, we like to live.
I stare at the wall and wonder why there is someone staring back,
i am aware that i am what is staring back, no one else just
its like a patient doomed to die but they keep saying youll be ok but you know you wont
another day
another life
another death
and another birth
and we breath our breaths as one
and create this creature sharing the same veins and hearts
this organism is earth.
we rise to be set on fire again
breathing fumes
like they are ashes its simple
simple me
simple me
lets breath them in together
no more pills no more pills prescribing is destroying i am destroying by spreading toxins.
lets breath again and this time together....


Nov. 3rd, 2008 | 10:30 pm
location: earth
mood: excited excited
music: your mom

Rachel and I are fasting for this week for Jesus,we just got day one finished we hecka have more hours but not so much,
i cant wait to see what this will accomplish!

The Sacrifice of nails underneath my pillow

Nov. 1st, 2008 | 10:36 pm
location: home
mood: accomplished accomplished

Biography personal
this will only cover the last couple years and presant time

No more cussing! this is a difficult road i am under
Im having more problems with panic attacks and paranoia
some people wish to be the different but in all honesty i wish i was normal
i really have no artistic talents except scribbling randomn phrases on notebooks or tests and getting in trouble for them
Suicide is like railroad tracks
we dont shake till the train comes.
I want to have a better relationship with God before i was such an angry individual
i wish i could take all the pills i "NEED" to take medically and destroy them
they change me
i wish i wasnt this way,
pregnancy wasnt a chosen road faults have been made
but i suppose i must fallow Gods pathway...
its been difficult in the past.
Ive been on drugs to the point i couldnt remember if yesterday was 5 years ago or would sit in a cornor and watch my walls in my bedroom shake
but they took some emotion away
but a part of my brain is probably destroyed

pain killers are easy takers my mom is an addict to them and tranquilizers and other prescription pills
my sister,my dad,my mom and i react in different ways.
My sister gets pissed beyond pointage, she screams how she hates everyone in our family including herself.
My dad says my mom is a retarded bitch who cant keep her life straight and threatens to leave
My mom has so idea whats going on naturally and either denies it or promises she will get help
I pretend my mom diddnt do anything to my family and if they find out i remain with her alone and confort her while she cries.

while this isnt some horrible disfuntional family thing i wish it was different my brother is so sick of us he gets jobs in far away cities or sleeps in hotels and sometimes comes home
my sister has 7 kids she lives with her husband in some crappy rented house, they use to make alot of money and had a nice home till he lost his job due to economy now he is so depressed about his failures he sometimes lays in bed for days while my sister pretends he is fine and critizeses my christianity.

My younger sister i believe was anorexic for some time
My Dad is both emotionaly abusive and loves us at the same time
He means well but i dont think we are what he wanted in life
he works at a school, he seems to be fine with it,
at home if one thing goes wrong he outrages and destroys everything in site, but then apologises or he dosnt at all and pretends it diddnt happen i tell my mom he needs help but she says its just his personality to call us all worthless failures and then pretend to be proud of us the next moment though he was abused as a child

why cant this all be normal why cant that entire paragraph be short
i pray and pray and will continue to do so
drugs and slitting my wrists again and again keep calling but i refuse them in order to not be a hypocritical christian though i tell myself its temporary to keep going i cant tell people i have had these problems like what last week?
my parents already talk about phycho wards and group homes with my daily panic attacks
Is god testing me?
im still alive
ive lost nearly all friends
but im alive
im alive
im alive
im breathing writing this while if my many attempted suicides worked i wouldnt be

this is the first time ive told strangers all this stuff i almost cussed ahahhaa
even the people at my chrurch dont want to befriend me
not anybody before my only friends were a straight edge christian going through everything i am keep telling me to go on (whom is my best friend still) the townie junkies,dave (a homless guy),some fakely emotional scene kids, two angry as hel, a cult leader(my baby daddy), and maby my mom. though she likes to tell me im faking everything hahahaha
its really not all as bad as that sounds....i wrote that subconciously lol im used to telling people that lol
now i only have my straight edge christian friend, and dave lol some junkies still talk to me but they arnt like close,dssdgjhgsgs
i hate school

like home is better seriously
at school my teachers tell me im not gonna succeed due to my dazing off i think to much like i have decent grades As and Bs
but thats not enough to succeed anymore
im a part of the bible club people lol at that because i dress like some crazed emo kid lol
i also have various piercings lol
but thats not enough you have to be this and this and this and this
i was looking through last years hw and there was this guy in ap english who used to sit behind me, he corrected my SAT sentences, and he fixed it by changing to i Hoped to Hopes jesus will rise again and this guy was a serious prick like a popular jackass but that changed my perspective
i want to thank him one day and take a picture of it and post it on here
In class im one of those kids who sits and reads their bibles in the back and knows all the answers but refuses to speak out.

People hurt me because im a christian emotionaly and physically,
most people think christians get it all by people that its only the other religions that get hurt
but im laughed at pushed into lockers,mocked, called a hypocrite and lost friends
and other things some illegal things
my friends i have no some mock me behind my back due to it or tell me to my face my God is stupid but i know jesus and i wont let them take me with them, i wont and i will remain with them the entire time throughout their life no matter they like it or not
Jesus chainged me i wont let them take me back
Another life changing event was the cult rachel and i were in before their belifs were that of Gabriel being the major phrophet of the world, he was my lover for a long time and his best friend was rachels yet he abused her but said he loved her sadly we still keep in touch with them,
Gabriel got me pregnant

but besides that some fanatics thought he was a God for real when he wasnt, he was a hidden man, who diddnt have many friends but was smart he never did drugs or drank but im sure some mental illness was there, i love him in a strange way its weird
but i feel uncomfortable speaking that even when online
now i feel weird
im going to endf that for now and continue later
hope u dnt think im emo or something lolz


Oct. 22nd, 2008 | 02:53 pm

I'm starting to show, life is getting sucky, so ends up im keeping the kid, midnighttalks and I are going to take care of the little human...
so list of names...idk
Gabriel Jr. lol
Girl: Kairie

life is so gay with appointments and school, and politics being shuved up our asses one day i will dictate the world and get assassinated by some angry black guy and it will be...great dude so great.
Church is today maybe if we live right i wont live very long, i hope i can fulfill my dream and jump off the golden gate bridge that would be fucking ingenious,
Maby some time in this life i will die correctly
this world is a piece of shit.
no more drugs for i


Oct. 6th, 2008 | 11:18 pm


Quitly in

Oct. 6th, 2008 | 11:16 pm

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We are in a war together.

Oct. 6th, 2008 | 11:01 pm
mood: amused amused

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